When I first read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, I became fascinated by the state of ‘flow’ people have been able to achieve from following their instincts and fascinations.The way that people can get so deeply lost in their craft that they forget to eat, drink, look at the time, or think about anything else. I, someone who has lived and expressed myself from their head for most of my life, thought that finding this coveted state would be impossible. Little did I know at the time that finding my source of flow was in the cards for me, but working to achieve that state would require me to face my biggest fears every day.

“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.” ― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I’d been living two lives.

The first life was the mask I put on to be something for everyone. The person I made myself become for others. Stuffing down emotions, desires, and expressions so that I wouldn’t be too much or too little for anyone. ‘Just right.’ I had mastered the art of becoming a chameleon. I would consciously alter my mannerisms, words, and non-verbal expressions to match what it seemed like the other person wanted from our interaction. This is how I had decided to express myself in the world for YEARS because of how comfortable it felt. Living for myself felt much more challenging than living for other people because all the things I had tried so hard to repress would be the exact things I would have to express.

The second life was everything I was trying to protect with that mask. How sensitive and shy I am in nature. How I’m extremely opinionated and strong-willed. How I want the best for others and don’t see the benefits of tearing them down. How I have huge dreams that I am working towards achieving in this life. How I don’t like to waste time and beat around the bush but would rather deal with things head-on to move on. How I know that no matter what happens in my life that I will find a way to be okay. How I see everything as an opportunity instead of a problem. How I like to look at the glass as half-full instead of half-empty. How there are people who will love me and people that will hate me from my polarizing personality.

What I came to realize is that I was stuck focusing on the in-between. The limbo between stagnation and flow. Resistance. Knowing that I wasn’t happy where I was and there were so many more sides to who I am that have been left unexpressed because I was scared. Scared to fail, to be judged, to put myself out there, to not have the right ‘aesthetic’ or message. But also scared that I wouldn’t reach the depths of who I am deep down or get to show that to other people because I was too scared. Ironic isn’t it?

“Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.” ― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

The biggest form of resistance I’ve felt in my life is the resistance to express myself fully and unapologetically. Situations I found myself in growing up made me believe that I had to take on the narrative that I wasn’t worthy of what I wanted because of how hard it felt to be accepted when in reality, that is nothing close to the truth. I remember how easy living freely used to feel before I became a teenager. How I would just do things without considering what the people around me would think about it. I view this time in my life as fuel to make myself better every day for the girl who I once was. I wouldn’t be at this point today writing about it if I hadn’t gone through what I had, and for that, I will be forever grateful.

The first instance I started to doubt myself that I can distinctly recall, and what planted the seed of the fear I have of self-expression, was when I started a YouTube channel in the 7th grade. My YouTube channel was all I could think about. A new idea came to me each day on a new video I could create or someone I could reach out to within the community. I had found my sense of flow sharing with the world my everyday makeup routine, what a weekend in my life looked like, and my favorite things of the moment. When I started to hear whispers about me in the middle school hallway about the venture I had undertaken, I remember feeling embarrassed for even trying. I vowed to never do something that bold or show who I really was to people because of how uncomfortable it was to not have any control over what people decide to think and say about you.

Since then, I haven’t really lived up to my true potential until now. It feels like going back towards the resistance I feel with expressing myself has been me getting closer and closer to the boundless person I was before and had tried so much in the past to run from. Everything happened, the trials and triumphs, the moments of weakness and strength, the feelings of the highest of highs and lowest of lows, so I could be here right now. Here now, taking that mask off and going back to the source of my psychological pain, expressing myself for the world to see on YouTube.

If you had told me five years ago, or even five months ago that my return to the platform would be happening today, I would be in disbelief. Nonetheless, I am so proud of how far I’ve come. How I’ve worked towards identifying and overcoming many of the thoughts and beliefs I subjugated myself to. The thoughts and beliefs that ultimately kept me small and away from achieving the dream life I’ve always wanted to live. And for looking fear in the face and not letting it have a hold over me any longer. There’s still a long road ahead and so much to learn. However, I’m just proud that I’ve taken the first steps down that road. The road of flow, and the road I’ve always wanted to go down.

“Are you a born writer? Were you put on earth to be a painter, a scientist, an apostle of peace? In the end, the question can only be answered by action. Do it or don’t do it. Creative work is not a selfish act of a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It’s a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.” ― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art.

What I’ve come to learn is that all you need to do is take the first step. Make just one tiny move with the intention of conquering resistance in just one tiny way. And then again. And again, and again, until the momentum builds and you have a different relationship with resistance than when you first started the journey.

Now imagine if you did this every day. The person who you have the chance to become a year from the moment you started will be an entirely new being. Now imagine where you could be five years down the road. This is the motivation that’s keeping me from moving forward, and I hope it will help provide you with some inspiration too!

And once you start conquering resistance and open the door to what you’ve been avoiding but know deep down how much satisfaction it would provide you with, you’re rewarded. You’re rewarded with an abundance of ideas that don’t stop flowing until you slam the same door shut. This goes along with the common saying that fortune favors the bold. When you decide to face your fears and do things differently than you’re accustomed to, you will be able to experience life in a new way. It’s all up to you to decide.

If there’s anything I want for you to take away from this post, it’s that only you are responsible for the life you live, and the power to choose decisions that either align or contradict that vision. The dreams you want to make into reality are only possible if you take the time and energy to live them. Take a chance on yourself. Here’s to facing our fears and being willing to look back at our scars in a new light.

💘 Hanna