i have eased into the new year and winter-time in a way i haven’t in a very long time, and am in awe of how restored my entire being currently feels.

the quality of sleep and overall vitality i can bring into my day-to-day life has reached an optimal level, and i can largely attribute this to keeping a less busy schedule and going out & drinking less than usual.

slowing down, saying no to plans, and not consuming multiple rounds of drinks each weekend is something i’ve wanted the courage to do for years, but once felt impossible from all the different perceptions and performances i subjugated myself to for how i thought i needed to act in social situations:

fun, carefree, and needing to say yes to any proposition that came their way.

in recently observing this pattern, i’ve deduced that i was operating out of a deficiency from the fear that i would be seen as boring, close-minded and a bad friend. and in turn, i put myself and my health on the back burner from the level of over-extending i had gotten into the habit of putting myself through. all instead of sitting with the fact that i very well might be everything i didn’t want for people to think me to be.

after having enough of feeling like Lord Voldemort underneath the bench at the train station in Deathly Hallows Part II when hungover, putting myself in unnecessary situations, like losing things, and having consistent nightmares about missing an important event from drinking too much, i am now at the point to say that i am done viewing myself as someone who has to have drinking be a part of their regular experience.

this isn’t to say that i’m going to throw the baby out with the bathwater and stop drinking entirely, but to rather have more mental guardrails on the experience when i’m doing so socially.

• NO SHOTS!
• no cheap well liquor (and prio lower ABV drinks like spritzes and wine)
• 4 drink MAX
• mandatory water break between drinks

i’ve recently had to start paying off a hefty hospital bill from the Levain-cookie-nut-allergy-scare, and as much as it sucks to have to do so, it has been the drop-off point that’s finally given me the courage to reprioritize how i actually want to spend my money and therefore my time. and dishing out $150+ a weekend on drinks alone isn’t fitting the bill anymore.

also since moving to New York i’ve created this self-imposed pressure of making the most of living here and feeling like i need to have plans all the time. when in reality it’s perfectly fine to take things one step at a time and spend a night in because there isn’t any rush, and it’s impossible to miss out on one of the best moments of your life if you’re not in the mindset for it to happen to you in the first place. having plans on weekends was always a sore subject in middle and high school from how spending them without seeing any of my friends or not getting invited to something would deepen my sense of not fitting in. so another deficiency that i’ve recently faced is feeling like i always need to be doing something with someone in order to feel like i belong in the world.

as scary as the dropping of masks and saying no can be in the moment, the reward of peace on the other side is always well worth it.

💘, HANNA