For the majority of my early twenties I struggled heavily with the belief that I would die alone. The painful final outcomes of a few romantic relationships in my high school and college years left me feeling like there was no man in this world who could ever learn to love me completely. And no, this is not a formal corroboration for me to disclose that I’m finally with someone. If anything, what I’m about to say is intended to be the opposite: that if you stop searching for the ‘one’ and work towards filling the void you expect a partner to fix, you just may become the person you’ve always wanted to find.

Heartbreak, although emotionally turbulent at times, has repeatedly proved itself to be one of the most powerful catalysts to personal expansion that I’ve encountered thus far. I’m a firm believer that I wouldn’t be where I am in my life right now without experiencing the anguish that came along with a love that was left overturned and am better off because of it. Mind you, it’s taken me half a decade to reach a level of respect for myself where I no longer attach a relationship or lack thereof to how I define myself. 

And it has not an easy path to walk down. It has required me to stop blaming the other people and instead take radical responsibility for the ways I was contributing to the eventual downfall of my previous relationships. To stop taking the easy way out through an ‘it was them, not me’ outlook, but to finally look in the mirror and face the truth that I was part of the problem too. To ultimately heal the already broken parts of myself that were there before any guy ever came along and to stop expecting someone to come and save me from myself.

Once I chose to provide myself with all of the love, loyalty, and integrity that I once believed could only be fulfilled by another, a life of ease and freedom slowly opened itself up, proving that what sometimes feels like the end of the world is just the beginning of another. 

Although I may not be the first person who comes to mind for relationship advice, there are a few things I’ve learned along the way that have helped me grapple with the sad reality of somebody going from your everything to nothing, valuing friendships, having standards, and embracing solitude.

Alone doesn’t mean loneliness.

Healing yourself from heartbreak is uncomfortable in itself, but can be even more difficult when it seems like everyone around you is in a happy relationship. Whenever I feel lonely because I don’t have anyone to text or go on dates with, I like to reframe the situation and see it as an opportunity for several different possibilities to occur, because being single enables you to fully focus on yourself. As young adults too, this is one of the only chances in our lives where we can do whatever we want without having to in factor another human. 

You can actually become the person you’ve always wanted to be, do the things you’ve always wanted to do, see the places you’ve always wanted to see, deepen your connections, dream and then go chase those dreams. This time can enable us to grow into an elevated version of ourselves so that when our person does come around, we can approach the relationship from a healed place. Being single is a chance at freedom and learning how to live for ourselves.

Every relationship has a takeaway.

There’s something to learn from anyone in our lives, but the people that tend to bring out the areas of ourselves that we need to work on most are the people we get into romantic relationships with. Whether you dated someone for two years, months, or days, a connection of that caliber will likely brush against some areas of our beliefs that need some recalibrating. The people who we get into relationships with were put in our lives to teach us a lesson. It could be how to create and maintain boundaries that preserve our independence. It could also be that we need to listen to our intuition and give ourselves more credit for paying attention to the red flags we first noticed. Or it could even be as simple as teaching us how to love and be loved. There is something to learn from everyone, which brings me to my next point that…

Patterns repeat themselves in people.

One of the most surprising things I realized after getting out of the love fog is how I largely expected all of my past loves to play into my fear of being left behind for someone else, which manifested itself in how hesitant I’ve always been to show them affection and express how I truly felt. The problems, insecurities, and fears you have will keep repeating themselves in different ways in your relationships until you face them. This not only involves finally accepting what they are in the first place but actually doing something about overcoming it. Examining the recurrent patterns that come out in romantic settings has allowed me to be more observant of who I attract into my life and in turn more intentional with who I let in.

Let love still exist, but let it be from afar.

It’s still possible to love someone and what you had with them from afar. The same goes for remembering all of the good times you shared. You can feel all of these things and hold onto them sacredly without relapsing and getting back into contact with them. No matter how much time has passed, the people that we get to love on this earth will forever hold a special place in our hearts. The everlasting impression they leave on us is part of being human, for we will never be able to erase them from our experience and how they helped make us into the people we are today. However, it’s important to remember that there’s a reason why things ended. No matter how strongly you felt for someone sometimes it wasn’t meant to work out, and that’s okay! The ending of a relationship, rejection or a relationship never coming to fruition is simply a recalibration to help you get closer to what’s actually meant for you. I always like to think of these experiences as not only bringing my life into true alignment but that someone even better will come along. With all of that said, getting out of a relationship also requires you to get out of your comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable, comes with growing pains, and isn’t an easy bandaid to rip off from all of the changes that consequently have to be made. Above all else, always remember that you can still be in love with someone while letting them go because it’s ultimately in each other’s best interests.

See what you can tolerate.

This is advice for when you feel ready to get back out there and start seeing people. As someone with incredibly high standards, this is one of the best pieces of relationship advice I’ve heard. It also doesn’t come as a shock that my incredibly wise father was the person who relayed this truth to me either. Shoker, no one is perfect or ever will be. Especially when it comes to dating, it can be so easy to become discouraged when no one checks off all the boxes. This isn’t to say that you should stop having high standards, but rather accepting the fact early on that there is something you’ll have to inevitably compromise on with the other person makes it less challenging to evaluate what you’re willing to, and conversely unwilling to, deal with in a relationship. Remembering this can help manage how you perceive any ‘icks’ as they come and help evaluate what’s truly important to you when it comes to being in a relationship with someone.

Friends >>> everything.

Boys will come and go, but the people that never fail to have your backs are your friends. No relationship is worth sacrificing a meaningful friendship for. Don’t discount the people that have been there with you through the start, and always, ALWAYS trust their opinions on the person you’re seeing. There are two rules of thumbs I like to follow when it comes to relationships and my friends. The first one is that if I feel like I constantly have to explain and justify the adverse actions of my partner to my friends, then the relationship likely isn’t as good as I had it out to be in my head and it’s time for change. The second rule of thumb is that if I have to question whether going forth with a relationship will hurt one of my friends, I won’t pursue it. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and I know someone my best friends dated sure as hell won’t be one of them.

You are what you are searching for.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have in life is with yourself. Working towards being someone you’re proud of, know like the back of your hand, and love unconditionally like you would a partner are invaluable action items to feeling consistently happy and fulfilled. On a similar note, all of the qualities you want someone else to have and contribute to your experience can be cultivated within you if you’re willing to put in the effort to develop them. Learning and acting on this truth has indirectly helped me realize that if someone isn’t adding a positive benefit to my life, then they don’t need to be a part of it. Once you stop expecting other people to provide you with what you’re looking for, the ball will always be in your court and relationships can’t hold as much power towards defining your self-worth. Because in the end that’s what matters most – leading a life we’re happy with and doing it with people by our side who truly love and care for us.

💘 Hanna